We often find ourselves hesitating when it comes to saying what’s truly on our minds, particularly when our or another’s emotions are running high. People generally need to feel safe in conversations and that means being able to anticipate a certain level of safety in our interactions. When we or the other person’s behavior is perceived or anticipated to be uncertain, disagreeable, manipulative, dishonest, rigid, or aggressive we perceive a threat and can easily become uncomfortable.
There is a good reason for this based on how our brain works. Safety, whether physical or emotional, is a basic human need, like food, sex and money. When we expect or experience a threat or lack of safety, our brain responds with fear and an away response, which could look like physically moving away, leaning back, silence, or emotionally closing-off. This impulse not to speak at all, hesitate, withhold even important or useful information, speak shyly, or to beat around the bush with indirect, vague, or evasive communication may have impact that we don’t understand.
While feeling nervous or afraid to engage in a conversation that we anticipate might be difficult is common, the irony is that our hesitation in speaking, withholding, or beating around the bush makes things worse. That is because the other person can sense our discomfort in a variety of ways. Just like the saying “dogs can smell fear,” our brains also perceive the experience of another through non-verbal signals and mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are cells in our brain that interpret the behavior of others and ‘sense’ what is happening in the brains of other people in our vicinity, provide data that we then interpret, mostly sub-consciously to feel what other people are feeling [1]. This is a significant part of empathy. Non-verbally, we communicate our hesitation bu leaning back, lack of eye contact, saying little, saying a lot but about something else, or being silent. Whether people process these signs consciously or unconsciously, they are all examples of clear signals that something is off and potentially unsafe. Research shows that when we perceive social threats or fear adverse reactions, the brain’s emotional center is activated, and causes us to feel uncomfortable, nervous, or even afraid [2].
In this way, withholding and beating around the bush cause un desirable and often unintended emotional responses in others, and also hides information that would otherwise convey what would be useful and likely what we want to communicate, getting in the way of authentic communication. Our own discomfort decreases the likelihood that the other person will receive our message to change or improve a situation. Plainly said, when we shut down ro when open, complete and trusting communication is inhibited people feel it and it simply makes the situation worse.
In contrast, straight open honest complete and compassionate communication is direct, carring, and addresses the heart of the matter for everyone’s benefit. This does require being mindful of our own feelings, compassionate with ourselves so that we are able to say what needs to be said in a wayt hat is also compassionate to others. That means also being ready to hear the feelings, thoughts and needs of the other people involved. Despite our initial fear about giving and receiving honest feedback, studies consistently demonstrate that straight talk provides valuable information that people use to grow, makes people happier, healthier, and more productive, and improves relationships promoting more honesty and creating a positive cycle, while withholding does the opposite. And, when people regularly ask for honest feedback, the anticipatory anxiety lessens quickly over time [4, 5, 6, 7].
A commitment to compassionate honesty is much more likely to strengthen our relationships and to facilitate connection and productive relationship and make everyone better and happier as a result.
How to be compassionately honest
I find that when people are uncomfortable anticipating saying something challenging, it is because they aren’t sure what to say and/or are anticipating the other person’s reaction as undesirable. Here are a few tips and examples:
- Plan to say it all, but maybe not all at once. Instead of trying to figure out what to say and what not to say consider saying it all, but let it flow naturally as the conversation unfolds. Being complete provides the opportunity to be honest, direct, compassionate, vulnerable, caring and open. Any one of those would be incomplete without the others.
- No matter what you want to say, having and sharing your intention to create a conversation to explore something is a better strategy than delivering a one-way communication.
- Slow down and check-in with yourself. Take a few moments before the conversation to breathe, meditate, check in to notice and acknowledge your own thoughts and feelings and continue this throughout the conversation. This way, you can speak more calmly, slowly, and deliver your message authentically as it comes to you.
- Then, to enhance compassion, attunement and connection, take a few moments to anticipate the variety of ways they might be feeling and test your empathy with them continuously.
Examples:
In Romance: imagine one partner wants more quality time. Beating around the bush might involve vague hints like, “It would be nice if we did more together, wouldn’t it?” Meanwhile, a compassionate, direct route would be: “I’d like us to talk about something. I miss our time together, and I’m feeling sad about that. I feel happiest when we spend more time together because I feel more connected—I’d like us to plan more time together this week. How do you feel about that? ” The difference is clear: one is ambiguous, while the other respectfully shares the desire for closeness and the impact of when it is missing in terms of feelings.
In Family, a parent might notice their teenager neglecting chores. “Beating around the bush” might sound like: “Have you noticed that the house has been messier lately?” Straight, compassionate communication could be: “I notice that house has been messier lately, and I’m feeling uncomfortable about that. I’m remembering our agreement and I want us all to be responsible for how we live together and contribute. A messy home affects us all. I would really appreciate it if we could work together to have a clean home. How do you feel about that?” As you can see, the second example is more complete as it is vulnerable, clearly articulates the concern, encourages teamwork and asks an open-ended question inviting input.
In Business: imagine a colleague consistently missing deadlines. The beating around the bush comment might be vague: “Some projects aren’t getting done on time.” Instead, the truly compassionate communication would be: “I’ve noticed recent deadlines have been missed, affecting our workflow and is causing the other teams to wait on us. I also fear that it hurts our credibility with clients. Let’s discuss how I can support you in getting things back on schedule so we can be a better team. What are your thoughts?” This approach identifies the issue directly, offers assistance, making the speaker part of the solution and invites a conversation.
As you can see from these romantic, family, and business examples, directly sharing our needs—with compassion—we foster stronger relationships built on trust, understanding, and genuine connection.
Instead of avoiding the fear of an undesirable response, we can embrace it as a signal that can inspire us to communicate more fully, honestly, and compassionately. We can be heard while also demonstrating caring for others. In doing so, we become better communicators and bridge-builders, enhancing the health and effectiveness of our relationships and becoming better at inspiring growth and learning in others. Partnerships, family, and work collaboration all get better as a result.
Learning to be open and honest in conversations takes practice, but the rewards in terms of freedom, personal power, trust, better relationships, and the opportunity to contribute to others is well worth the effort.
References
[1] Rizzolatti, G., & Craighero, L. (2004). The Mirror-Neuron System. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 27, 169-192
[2] Eisenberger, N. I., & Lieberman, M. D. (2004). Why it hurts to be left out: The neurocognitive overlap between physical and social pain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 8(7), 294-300.
[3] Lieberman, M. D. (2013). Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect. Crown Publishers, pp. 45-60.
[4] Mclain, Aidenise and Nelson, Bailey (2022). How Effective Feedback Fuels Performance. Gallup
[5] Medai E and Noussair CN (2021) Positive Emotion and Honesty. Front. Psychol. 12:694841. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2021.694841
[6] NLI Staff, Sept 2018, The Data Is In: Your Organization Should Be Asking for Feedback, Neuroleadership Institute
[7] Chee, Princeton X. and ShimshockIs , Claire J. (2024). Is Honesty the Best Policy? The Distinct Effects of Honest Expressions, Perceptions, and Connections on Well-Being and Change, University of Rochester
