Problem:
The executives that I speak with want to get better results at work. Some people push too hard and are perceived as jerks or bossy overlords. Other people struggle to get results because they’re weak, don’t ask for what they want, or don’t hold others accountable.
The Place to Start is Awareness:
The place to start is awareness. Awareness of our strategy and tactics is helpful. Also, awareness about how we are perceived by others at work is valuable. We can learn from that.
When preoccupation about how we are perceived becomes a distraction, disempowering, or blocks healthy assertiveness, we have a problem.
On the other hand, a complete lack of concern for others’ perceptions or lack of concern for your colleagues, in general, can also be a problem.
Examples:
I recently had a conversation with a client who is a very successful senior executive who was just told that he can’t be only about results and that if he doesn’t become easier to work with and transform relationships with three specific executive peers, he’ll be out. Luckily, he has a coach and has been granted time to turn it around.
Another is a successful marketing executive with a history of jobs at significant consumer brands we all know. She was known for successful and profitable product launches and was acknowledged by the CMO for being one of the best marketers the company had ever had. However, when results mattered, she became pushy and challenging to work with, and the noise from others was too high. In this case, she was fired.
In many companies, once labeled as a difficult personality, you can be on your way out the door – even if you don’t know it. Getting results is essential, but that’s not enough. We must also be great with people.
But, as you know, being a softy is often not the answer. Two CEOs come to mind; both are just too allowing and tolerating executives to do as they wish and not what is best for the business. Results are suffering.
Reframe:
Here are three practical skills you can apply immediately to be more self-aware and more effective in getting the desired results.
1. Showing Respect in Every Interaction
Our relationships are the foundation of our accomplishments, and respect is the foundation of any relationship. So, if respect is missing, results will suffer. People are pretty transparent: we don’t hide a lack of respect well. If we know that we don’t respect the person we are about to speak with, delaying the conversation until we find a way to honor them is prudent.
2. When it Matters, Be Assertive, not Aggressive and not Passive
Ask yourself, “When confronted with a challenge, am I passive, aggressive, or assertive?” Do you know the difference? Most people don’t. Let’s agree that passive is when you consider your needs less important than the other person’s. You commonly give in and subjugate your needs to theirs, but your needs commonly don’t get met. Aggressive is when your needs and wants are supremely important to you, and their needs and wants are of little interest to you. You get what you want, and they get screwed. Assertive is when your needs and wants are very important to you, and their needs and wants are also very important to you. You pursue your interests, and you do so while honoring their needs as well. You get what you need, and the people around you tend to get what they need, too — Win-Win.
It is too easy to forget that, more often than not, getting great results is about being great with people. So, if you want better results, be great with people, too.
Building on the difference between assertiveness and aggression, I have some final advice:
3. Don’t Force Outcomes. Instead, Negotiate Expectations
So, do you tend to be passive, aggressive, or assertive when the stakes are high?
People do what they want to and only what they want to. If we try to use power or force someone to do something, they will resent us for it, and it will come back to bite us. Instead of forcing outcomes, we do better when we demonstrate respect for the other person and negotiate expectations that work for everyone. We may have to spend time listening and creating a shared understanding of a situation. Doing that will often gain valuable information that will improve the solution and the relationship. (Read more on Negotiating Requests and Promises)
