Meaningful conversations are the cornerstone of every important relationship and effective collaboration — whether a friendship, romantic partnership, family, or professional colleague. But what is the best way to set the stage for meaningful conversations to enhance these relationships? And how do you create a feeling of comfort or safety during these conversations, allowing openness and honesty to occur naturally? The answers can be found in insights from psychology and social cognitive neuroscience.
Using Psychology and Social Cognitive Neuroscience to Understand How We Respond to Each Other in Relationships
Psychological and social cognitive neuroscience research teaches us that safe, close relationships significantly promote health, success, and a longer lifespan. [1][2][3] Emotional safety, or the lack of it, is processed by the brain similarly to physical safety. In fact, there is little difference in the brain between the two [4,5]. As a result, healthy brains have developed to move us toward emotional safety just as we move to physical safety and away from emotional danger.
When we feel comfortable in a conversation or relationship, we’re relaxed and express ourselves openly, share our thoughts and feelings and are more willing to take risks to deepen the relationship, collaborate, grow, and accomplish without fear. That’s because a feeling of safety stimulates the autonomic nervous system to calm us and our higher executive functioning in the prefrontal cortex to keep us attentive, present and aware [6]. In this more relaxed and safe state, the brain can be more aware of subtle and nuanced signals that lead to enhances self and other awareness, insights, creativity and better problem solving.[7] Hence, psychological/emotional safety is imperative for healthy relationships and productivity at home, work, and beyond.
When we perceive a lack of safety, the brain’s threat-detection system of the emotional centers of the brain, —the amygdala, hippocampus and other regions—goes into overdrive, as it prepares the body to fight or flee and takes resources from the prefrontal cortex that would otherwise help us be reasonable and thoughtful. Our brain is busy signaling the release of adrenaline and cortisol, the body’s action and stress hormones. Blood pressure and heart rate increase to get blood and breathing speeds up to get blood and oxygen to the legs and arms so we can run and fight. This physical discomfort leads to protective, fear or aggressive behaviors like lack of trust, pessimism, lack of engagement, moving away (flee), passivity or acquiescence (fawn), or control and aggression (fight). Thoughtfulness and creativity are reduced because the brain’s resources are taken up by the emotional responses above. The perceived lack of safety also causes high alertness for danger, lack of optimism, losing trust, all inhibiting effective communication and problem-solving. Making things worse, we can perceive the fear response in others and that adds to our own discomfort.
In a family, chronic lack of safety can be devastating and cause lifelong psychological, emotional, relational, and cognitive challenges as the hyper vigilance for safety and fear become ‘burned’ into our brains. In a corporate culture, a lack of safety will destabilize employees, reduce engagement, productivity, and innovation, and contribute to conflict and turnover. In other words, there is nothing it can’t touch.
Ten Critical Elements of Meaningful Conversations for Relationship Success
Creating and experiencing satisfying and effective relationships requires a complex set of skills that we hopefully begin learning at a very young age. If we don’t learn them early, we will have trouble navigating relationships–unless we release the effects of the past and learn the skills later in life. Ten such skills are explained here. I invite you to notice which ones you do well and do them more often and notice the ones you know you don’t do very well, so you might learn them and practice them. If while reading, you tell yourself, “I don’t have time to learn or to do that,” or “that isn’t so important,” consider that they represent important opportunities for you. Don’t strive for perfection; strive for earnest intent to succeed, and with time, they can become second nature. Any of them will improve your relationships. Doing all of them well will significantly enhance all your relationships and, thus, your life. The first several might be the most impactful. Try them all and decide for yourself.
The following are ten critical elements for effective relationships:
1. Stated Commitment to Open Dialogue
Stating our commitment to an open dialogue where everyone feels comfortable sharing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of judgment, punishment, or other mistreatment sets expectations of an open, safe conversational space. When conversations are created with the expectation of safety and to restore it if missing, people are more likely to share important matters openly. That increases the likelihood of being heard and understood and that challenges can be resolved. Creating ground rules—such as allowing everyone to speak without interruption, intending to understand before speaking and being understood, and being intolerant of yelling, leaving in the middle, or other violence—helps ensure everyone is heard and understood.
2. Encouraging Questions and Curiosity
A workplace culture where questions are encouraged promotes psychological safety. Leaders can create an environment that values learning by inviting curiosity and questions and demonstrating openness to explore topics that are important to others. Google, for example, has been a strong proponent of psychological safety, finding that their most successful teams were those in which members felt safe enough to speak up without fear of embarrassment [8].
3. Empathetic Listening
Empowering our listening by accessing our natural abilities to empathize is the most effective way to support the above expectations and maintain safety in a conversation and overall relationship. It involves giving our full attention to what the speaker is saying, its meaning, and the surrounding feelings. That consists of focusing on them, concentrating, understanding, and responding to demonstrate our understanding and appreciation of all that we are noticing, intending that the speaker has an experience of being understood and accepted – even if we disagree with what they are saying.
This deep empathetic listening goes beyond active listening, which focuses on techniques such as paraphrasing, asking clarifying questions, and providing non-judgmental affirmations, all instrumental in fostering a sense of safety. When someone experiences being genuinely and accurately heard and understood, and their emotions are acknowledged and accepted, they experience being known and they perceive the interaction as safe, and their defenses are lower. Oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin also increase as people feel a sense of connection.
People who focus on listening to their employees before moving into problem-solving or coaching foster people’s feeling of value and appreciation. According to neuroscience, this creates a more relaxed, non-defensive state. Add the neurotransmitters above, and we become more open to learning and more capable of creativity [9].
4. Awareness of Our Emotions
The best way to foster empathy and safety for ourselves and others is to notice and name our own emotions. Doing so gives us the acknowledgment we otherwise want from others and calms the emotional centers of our brain that are more likely to overwhelm us if we don’t acknowledge our feelings.
Teaching children to do this by asking them what they feel sets them up for a lifetime of self-awareness and empowers us to provide needed empathy. By helping children process their emotions rather than dismissing or punishing them, parents establish a sense of safety and trust that helps children feel understood and respected.
Similarly, when we acknowledge our feelings as adults, we soften the damage of not doing the same when we were children, decreasing our reactivity and enhancing safety for others. Such a practice improves self-compassion and our capacity for empathy and compassion for others.
5. Expressing Empathy and Appreciation
Expressing empathetic understanding without judgment is crucial to creating safety and trust during conversations. This means that when people share their thoughts or feelings, we receive their ideas and emotions openly and demonstrate appreciation for the significance of their experience regardless of whether we agree. This is validating for the other person, providing a sense of calm, and can even undo some or all the damage of the original concern. Empathetic listening helps to de-escalate emotions quickly and promotes open dialogue. When done exceptionally well, it can create a transformational experience of healing and growth that undoes the damage of the original concern, fostering deep trust and strong bonds.
6. Leading with Vulnerability and Openness
We can all play a pivotal role in creating and sustaining an environment of emotional safety. When we model openness and vulnerability—such as expressing our thoughts and feelings honestly and admitting our mistakes or uncertainties—it signals to others that taking risks and being imperfect is acceptable. Awareness of and willingness to speak about our strong and weak abilities and traits is also critical. This increases the feeling of safety and makes them more willing to trust that they can talk about their strengths and weaknesses and tell you when they notice yours, either helping or hindering yourself, the relationship and their performance. This all results in a generally open and honest environment.
7. Ownership and “I” Statements
The language used in conversations can either create or undermine safety. “You” statements (e.g., “You never listen to me!” or “You don’t care how I feel.”) are accusatory and assert something that we can’t possibly know because they describe another person’s internal experience (such as caring and listening in my examples), which we aren’t privy to, because they happen in the other person’s brain. This often results in the listener feeling angry and defensive.
On the other hand, “I” statements (e.g., “I feel irritated when someone interrupts me” or “When people interrupt me, I think they don’t care about me.”) focus on one’s feelings and experiences, which are the only thing that only we can know for sure and are thus difficult to refute, which reduces the likelihood of creating arguments or triggering anger or defensiveness in another person.
Speaking about oneself with “I” statements is also more likely to solicit empathy, compassion, and understanding.
By taking responsibility for our emotions and experiences, “I” statements help foster understanding and minimize or reduce conflict. And, if we are committed to owning and sharing our own experience, this reinforces our self-awareness and openness.
8. Nonverbal Cues
Nonverbal communication is crucial in establishing connection, flow, and safety in a conversation. It is a powerful and subtle and simple way to communicate that we hear, support, agree or disagree, are curious to hear more, and so on in a way that doesn’t interrupt the other person.
Simple cues like maintaining eye contact, nodding, leaning forward, and offering open body language signal attentiveness and acceptance. Social neuroscience reveals that non-verbal communication that we interpret as supportive activates brain regions associated with empathy, leading to a sense of calm that fosters deeper connection [10].
In both personal and work settings, we can express our openness, curiosity, and support using body language to create an environment where members feel valued. The absence of threatening nonverbal cues, such as crossed arms, a stern expression, or leaning back when they are leaning in, also ensures that others feel more at ease. This is best when it happens naturally as a function of real connection to the person or the content and natural rapport instead of being from a strategy of manipulating the other into ‘feeling’ a certain way.
When we feel an affinity with someone, we often move synchronously with them without intending to or thinking about it [11]. So, next time you speak with someone, notice the subtle ways they and you move your bodies as you listen to them, especially how you move toward and away as your body tells you and them if you are interested.
9. Inclusive Decision-Making
Fairness is a significant safety factor, and it is processed in the same part of the brain that assesses our other basic needs [12]. Thus, inclusive decision-making is another powerful way to create safety in our relationships. When people believe their voices matter to us, they are more likely to feel safe, valued, and engaged. This can be accomplished by seeking input, holding brainstorming sessions, or having regular check-ins where team members can share their perspectives. At home, regular discussions at the dinner table or living room about what matters most to everyone foster closeness and safety.
10. Presence and Repairing After Conflict
Being present for conversations, in the conversation, and after a conversation shows that you are interested and care about the person and the relationship. And this causes most people to feel more safe, especially when conflict occurs. In any meaningful relationship, including work ones, conflict is inevitable. How it is addressed makes a significant difference. Committing to making amends after a disagreement is essential for re-establishing safety that comes from trust. This may involve deepening understanding of self and other, acknowledging one’s mistakes, apologizing, and working collaboratively to resolve misunderstandings and make new promises for the future. Research has shown that families that practice repair after conflicts tend to have stronger bonds and a greater sense of overall security [13]. They are also more successful in life. Colleagues who do the same have stronger, more productive and enduring working relationships.
Practice These 10 Elements Today
Remember, practice makes perfect, and starting, even in small ways, puts us on the path of success. As you bring these 10 elements to your meaningful conversations and relationships you and others will appreciate the results. After all, the need for safety and connection in relationships shows up in every conversation. With it, we flourish; without it, we suffer. And without intentional practice, we can indeed struggle at creating psychological safety at home and in the workplace, profoundly impacting our loved ones and employee well-being, productivity, and innovation and business results. With enhanced awareness of ourselves and others and an upgrade in skills, each of us can foster environments where people feel safe and enjoy the benefits of healthy, productive relationships, teams, romances, and families.
References
- Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.
- Lieberman, M. D. (2013). Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect. Crown Publishers, pp. 45-60.
- Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
- Eisenberger, N. I., & Cole, S. W. (2012). Social Neuroscience and Health: Neurophysiological Mechanisms Linking Social Ties with Physical Health. Nature Neuroscience, 15(5), 669-674.
- Eisenberger, N. I., & Lieberman, M. D. (2004). Why it hurts to be left out: The neurocognitive overlap between physical and social pain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 8(7), 294-300.
- Bourgeois-Bougrine, Samira, “What Does Creativity Mean in Safety-Critical Environments?” Frontiers in Psychology 2020 Sep 29; 11:565884. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2020.565884
- Kozlowska, K., Walker, P.l., McLean, L., and Carrive, P. (2015). Fear and defense cascade: clinical implications and management. Harv. Rev. Psychiatry 23,263–287. doi: 10.1097/HRP.0000000000000065
- Castro, D. R., Anseel, F., Kluger, A. N., Lloyd, K. J., & Turjeman-Levi, Y. (2018). Mere listening effect on creativity and the mediating role of psychological safety. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts, 12(4), 489–502. https://doi.org/10.1037/aca0000177
- Chen, L., Wadei, K. A., Bai, S., & Liu, J. (2020). Participative leadership and employee creativity: A sequential mediation model of psychological safety and creative process engagement. Leadership & Organization Development Journal, 41(6), 741–759. https://doi.org/10.1108/LODJ-07-2019-0319
- Marijan Tustonja, Davorka Topić Stipić, Iko Skoko, Anđelka Čuljak, Andrea Vegar. “Active listening -a model of empathetic communication in the helping professions.” 14 December 2023. https://pauk.sum.ba/ojs/mai/article/view/7/6
- Marcoux, Audrey, Tessier, Marie-Hélène, Jackson, Philip L. “Nonverbal behaviors perceived as most empathic in a simulated medical context,” 25 April 2024, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2024.108268
- Tabibnia, G. & Lieberman, M. D. (2007). Fairness and cooperation are rewarding: Evidence from social cognitive neuroscience. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1118, 90-101.
- Divecha, Diana, “Family Conflict Is Normal; It’s the Repair That Matters,” Greater Good Magazine, October 27, 2020
