We often find ourselves hesitating when it comes to saying what’s truly on our minds, particularly when our or another’s emotions are running high. People generally need to feel safe in conversations and that means being able to anticipate a certain level of calm in our interactions. When we or the other person’s behavior is perceived and anticipated to be uncertain, disagreeable or aggressive we can easily become uncomfortable.
There is a good reason for this based on how our brain works. Safety, whether physical or emotional, is a basic human need, like food, sex and money. When we expect or experience a lack of safety, our brain responds with fear and an “away response,” which could look like we’re physically moving away, silence, leaning back, or emotionally closing-off. We could also have an impulse not to speak at all, hesitate, withhold even important or useful information, speak shyly, or to beat around the bush with indirect, vague, or evasive communication.
While feeling nervous or fear about engaging in a conversation is normal and makes perfect sense, the irony is that our hesitation in speaking, withholding, or beating around the bush makes things worse. That is because the other person can sense our discomfort in a variety of ways. Mirror neurons, cells in our brain that interpret the behavior of others and ‘sense’ what is happening in the brains of other people in our vicinity, provide data that we then interpret, mostly sub consciously [1]. Just like the saying “dogs can ‘smell’ fear,” our brains have a high amount of empathy. Non-verbally, we communicate our hesitation though leaning back, lack of eye contact, saying little, saying a lot but about something else, or not communicating at all. Whether people process these signs consciously or unconsciously, they are all examples of clear signals that something is unsafe. Research shows that when we perceive social threats or fear adverse reactions, the brain’s emotional center is activated, and causes us to feel uncomfortable, nervous, or even afraid [2]. As a result, open and trusting communication is inhibited, which can harm or even destroy a relationship.
Withholding and beating around the bush also hides information that would otherwise convey what we want to communicate, getting in the way of authentic communication. It decreases the likelihood that the other person will receive our message, and a situation will change or improve. Shutting down simply makes the situation worse.
In contrast, honesty, even tough love, constructive criticism, ‘straight complete compassionate communication’ is direct and addresses the heart of the matter. This way we are mindful of our own feelings, and we are compassionate, ready to hear the feelings, thoughts and needs of the other people involved. Additionally, despite our initial fear about giving and receiving honest feedback studies consistently demonstrate that straight talk provides valuable information that people use to grow, makes people happier, healthier, and more productive, and improves relationships promoting more honesty creating a positive cycle, while withholding does the opposite. And when people ask for feedback, the anticipatory anxiety lessens quickly over time [4, 5, 6, 7].
A commitment to honesty is much more likely to strengthen our relationships and to facilitate connection and productive relationship and make everyone better and happier as a result.
So how can we be honest more effectively?
I find that when people are uncomfortable anticipating saying something challenging, it is because they aren’t sure what to say and/or are anticipating the other person’s reaction as undesirable. Her are a few tips and examples:
- Plan to say it all, but maybe not all at once. Instead of trying to figure out what to say and what not to say consider saying it all. Being complete provides the opportunity to be honest, direct, compassionate, vulnerable, caring and open. Any one of those would be incomplete without the others.
- No matter what you want to say, having and sharing your intention to create a conversation vs. a one-way communication is usually the best strategy
- Slow down and check-in Take a few moments before the conversation to breathe, meditate, check in to notice and acknowledge your own feelings.
- Then, to enhance compassion, attunement and connection, take a few moments to anticipate the variety of ways they might be feeling.
Consider lovers: imagine one partner wants more quality time. Beating around the bush might involve vague hints like, “It would be nice if we had more time, wouldn’t it?” Meanwhile, a compassionate direct route would be: “I’d like us talk about something I miss our time together, and I’m feeling sad about that. I feel happiest when we spend more time together because I feel more connected—I’d like us to plan more time together this week. How do you feel about that? ” The difference is clear: one is ambiguous, while the other respectfully shares the desire for closeness and the impact of when it is missing in terms of feelings.
In family contexts, a parent might notice their teenager neglecting chores. “Beating around the bush” might sound like: “Have you noticed that the house has been messier lately?” Straight, compassionate communication could be: “I notice that house has been messier lately, and I’m feeling uncomfortable and irritated about that. I really hate it when the house is messy, and I want us all to be responsible for how we live together and contribute. When chores are being overlooked, it affects us all. I would really appreciate it if we could work together to get chores back on track so we can all have a clean home. How would that be for you?” As you can see, the second example is more complete as it is vulnerable, clearly articulates the concern, encourages teamwork and asks an open-ended question inviting input.
In business settings, imagine a colleague consistently missing deadlines. The beating around the bush comment might be vague: “Some projects aren’t getting done on time.” Instead, the truly compassionate communication would be: “I’ve noticed recent deadlines have been missed, affecting our workflow and is causing the other teams to wait on us. I also fear that it hurts our credibility with clients. Let’s discuss how I can support you in getting things back on schedule so we can be a better team. What are your thoughts?” This approach identifies the issue directly, offers assistance, making the speaker part of the solution and invites a conversation.
As you can see from these romantic, family, and business examples, directly sharing our needs—with compassion—we foster stronger relationships built on trust, understanding, and genuine connection.
Instead of avoiding the fear of an undesirable response, we can embrace it as a signal that can inspire us to communicate more fully, honestly, and compassionately. We can be heard while also demonstrating caring for others. In doing so, we become better communicators and bridge-builders, enhancing the health and effectiveness of our relationships and becoming better at inspiring growth and learning in others. Partnerships, family, and work collaboration all get better as a result.
Learning to be open and honest in conversations takes practice, but the rewards in terms of freedom, personal power, trust, better relationships, and the opportunity to contribute to others is well worth the effort.
References
[1] Rizzolatti, G., & Craighero, L. (2004). The Mirror-Neuron System. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 27, 169-192
[2] Eisenberger, N. I., & Lieberman, M. D. (2004). Why it hurts to be left out: The neurocognitive overlap between physical and social pain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 8(7), 294-300.
[3] Lieberman, M. D. (2013). Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect. Crown Publishers, pp. 45-60.
[4] Mclain, Aidenise and Nelson, Bailey (2022). How Effective Feedback Fuels Performance. Gallup
[5] Medai E and Noussair CN (2021) Positive Emotion and Honesty. Front. Psychol. 12:694841. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2021.694841
[6] NLI Staff, Sept 2018, The Data Is In: Your Organization Should Be Asking for Feedback, Neuroleadership Institute
[7] Chee, Princeton X. and ShimshockIs , Claire J. (2024). Is Honesty the Best Policy? The Distinct Effects of Honest Expressions, Perceptions, and Connections on Well-Being and Change, University of Rochester
